I Will Never be a “Perfect” Mother

I am not a perfect mother.

I have yet to be a perfect mother.

I will probably never be a PERFECT mother.

I remember very clearly when it hit me I would probably never be a perfect mother because very early on in my “mothering” season I became a single mother.

It happened at church of all places (not becoming single but the observation and realization that I was not a statistic). I had gone home to my parent's house-infant in tow and went to church that Sunday. Not wearing my wedding ring. This was the same church I had attended my entire life. The same church my grandfather had helped build. The same church I got married in. After the service, a “church acquaintance” of my parents came to say hello and I was acutely aware of her eyes moving from my ring finger to my baby to my face. That was quickly followed by a polite inquiry of “where’s your husband?”

Now let me just pause and say in the heat of my emotional debauchery and lack of poker face it didn’t take long to silently communicate my request that she mind her damn business and leave me alone. In hindsight, I’m sure this older church-going woman didn’t necessarily mean to be offensive or nosey (or maybe she did but I’ll pretend she didn’t).

However, it was at that moment, post-Sunday Service, I realized my dreams of the perfect family photo were clearly not going to be a photo I was in. (Little did I know at the time in my early 20’s, no one has a picture-perfect life.)

From that moment on, I had no choice but to embrace the reality I was treading water in and accept the fact I was never going to be the perfect mom. I wasn’t given the opportunity for that picture-perfect life I so desperately wanted.

I was, however, given the opportunity day after day to do my best given the information and circumstances I had at the time. My motherhood journey was thrust into a battleground of survival and fortitude. Reliance was my lifeline and eventually, I went from surviving to thriving. I didn’t want be a survivor-I was determined to be a warrior of my life.

But I was not a perfect mom. I didn’t always put my daughter or even myself first. I was absent at times and short-tempered and exhausted. I embraced technology so I could take a nap and as much as I tried, I sadly needed my daughter to grow up faster and tougher than I would have preferred.

I am still not a perfect mom. I try to juggle all things all the time and had to learn it’s ok to drop a ball. I am not the mother (proudly and completely) of two similar humans despite their 8 year age difference. I nag them and fuss and have high expectations for them. I encourage them both to adjust from what they knew as normal into adapting to a new normal. Instead of a single child with single parents-we are now a family of 4 with 3 dogs and a wild whirlwind of business ownership and Navy life.

I will never be a perfect mom. But I am a perfect mom for my kids. My kids had such unfortunate and difficult childhoods. My kids will carry scars and struggle with deficits. My kids, who are brilliant beyond our ability to recognize. My kids need and thrive off of boundaries, limits, and consistency. My kids think differently and have big feelings-sometimes holding them all in and sometimes just spreading them throughout the entire house. My kids, who are: resilient, kind-hearted, giving, compassionate, emotional, sensitive, funny, talented as hell, and learning to embrace their scars and use them as fuel to their fire in life. My kids, who will always and forever have one another. For their unique circumstances and painful pasts tie them together in a way only God can connect...like a red string bringing together two humans who are destined to be in each other's lives.

I am not a perfect mother. I do not do the things associated with “perfect mothering” but instead do things that should be recognized as opportunities for mothering and not deficits.

So, I say to you: If you’re struggling with the grief of regret, concern for the past, and doubt you’re doing it right---name it, claim it, and then reframe it. Because if you’re doing the best you can, you're doing it right. Embrace your imperfections (whether you’re a mother or a result of your mother’s imperfectness) and give yourself a high five and a smile.

Don’t try to raise perfection.

Raise Visionaries. Raise Resilience. Raise Arrows. Raise Warriors.