My Imperfect Journey to Motherhood
I am not a perfect mother.
I have yet to be a perfect mother.
I will never be a PERFECT mother.
I'm ok with it.
I remember very clearly when it hit me that I would never be a perfect mother. I became a single mother very early in my "mothering" season.
I had gone home to my parent's house-6 month old infant in tow-to slowly and painfully accepting my dreams of motherhood were quickly turned into single-parent statistics. It happened at church, of all places (not becoming single, but realizing my new normal would come with struggles, and judgement). I went to church with my parents on Sunday, with my daughter, a broken heart, and without my wedding band. This was the same church I had attended my entire life. The same church my grandfather helped build. The same church I got married in. After the service, an acquaintance of my parents came to say hello, and I was acutely aware of her eyes moving from my ring finger to my baby, followed by a polite inquiry, "where's your husband?"
Perhaps she didn't mean to be offensive or nosey, but she got the hint to change the subject quickly in the heat of my emotional debauchery and lack of a poker face.
In hindsight, however, at that moment, I realized my lofty dreams of the perfect family photo were clearly not going to be a photo I was in.
From that moment on, I had no choice but to embrace the reality, put on a brave face, ask for help from my parents, and accept that I was never going to be the perfect mom. It wasn’t until later when I learned the value of my imperfect journey...all I could see and feel at the time was how I wasn't given the opportunity for that picture-perfect life I desperately wanted. I was, however, given the opportunity day after day to do my best given the information and circumstances I had at the time and it was an opportunity I routinely embraced. My motherhood journey was thrust into a battleground of survival and fortitude and I showed up everyday the best I could.
Resilience was my lifeline; eventually, I went from surviving to thriving. I didn't want to be a survivor-I was determined to be a warrior of my life. I was determined to thrive.
But I was not a perfect mom.
I didn't always put my daughter or even myself first. I was absent at times and short-tempered and exhausted. I used technology for my sanity, naps, or distraction while I cried in the shower. I missed school events and bedtimes to work second jobs, and while I was blessed with incredible childcare/sitters-I carried a deep guilt. As much as I tried; my circumstances and need to keep my head above water required my daughter to grow up faster and more independently than I would have preferred.
In hindsight, I wasn’t designed to be the perfect mom-I was designed to be the mom to model how to navigate a perfect storm. I was made to be the mom who would embody the desire to overcome in order to inspire others to do the same.
Fast forward 17 years, my daughter, who is turning 17 today, is a living result of who I am. The depths of her heart knows no limits, her talent outshines my best days, her compassion and willingness is inspiring at best and her spunky, punky, wit will set fire to most any situation. She is strong willed, creative, and my greatest accomplishment.
Regardless of the moments missed-she was my reason to Warrior Forward. She is the reason I was never a perfect mom and I hope I am the reason she creates a beautifully imperfect life she loves.
One resembling the beauty we embody daily now. One she can look back on and say:
My mom did THAT therefore I can do ANYTHING….because I am my mother’s daughter. I am a warrior.
For those wondering, I now have a fantastic husband, a son, a thriving business teaching other women how to move beyond the struggle, and a beautifully abundant life. And I owe a great deal of credit to my imperfect past. Despite all that:
I am still not a perfect mom.
I try to juggle everything all the time, and I had to learn it's ok to drop the ball once in awhile. Instead of a single children with single parents-we are now a family of 4 with 3 dogs and a wild whirlwind of business ownership and Navy life blanketed in legos, teenage drama, and at times unorganized chaos and cuss words. I am the mother (proudly and completely) of two similar humans despite their 8-year age difference who simultaneously challenge and inspire me. I nag and fuss and I have high expectations. I am not at every school event, forget things a lot, and have little filter/poker face.
I will never be a perfect mom.
But I am a perfect mom for my kids. My kids had such unfortunate and difficult childhoods. My kids will carry scars and struggle with deficits. My kids are brilliant beyond our ability to recognize. My kids need and thrive off of boundaries, limits, and consistency. My kids think differently and have big feelings- sometimes holding them all in and sometimes spreading them throughout the house. My kids are: resilient, kind-hearted, giving, compassionate, emotional, sensitive, funny, talented as hell, and learning to embrace their scars and use them to fuel their fire in life. My kids, who will always and forever have one another. Their unique circumstances and painful pasts tie them together in a way only God can connect...like a red string bringing together two humans destined to be in each other's lives.
I am not a perfect mother. I do not do the things associated with "perfect mothering" but instead do something that should be recognized as opportunities for mothering and not deficits.
So, if you're struggling with the grief of regret, concern for the past, and doubt you're doing it right-- -name it, claim it, and then reframe it. Embrace your imperfections (whether you're a mother or a result of your mother's imperfectness) and give yourself permission to create a life of abundance. Give yourself a high five and a smile. Because if you're doing the best you can, you're doing it right.
Join the Warrior Forward Movement and move beyond surviving the life you’re living into living a life you love.
